“Everything is new. Foreign, but familiar. I no longer have a basis of which to perceive things. I’m building from scratch. The only old truth I can lean on, is that I’ll be okay. I am always okay.” (journal entry, 3/28/17 1:35 am)
I’ve been wanting to put these thoughts into blog form for weeks now. Since before my last post, really. I just couldn’t find the words or the time. Tonight, I seem to have both. Journey with me?
I have been in a state of transition since about December 2016. I am preparing to walk across the stage and move 20+ hours away from my home of the last three years, in May. In the meantime, I’m wrapping up other loose ends and finding out who and what will make it through the transition with me.
Transition is usually not an easy time for me. It goes against all of my control freak habits. In transition I am faced with the truth, I am in control of nothing. Well, I am in control of a couple things, my perception and my response.
Other than those things, I realize that this is the place Osho describes as No-Thingness. Often called The Void. A dark place. Intimidating and scary at first glance, beautiful and full of infinite potential upon the second. It is the darkness of the womb. This is the place that births the galaxies. This is the place where Source resides.
If you’ve read The Other Side of Sunday, you know that I am no stranger to this place.
This time is different, though. Way different.
I am in a different place emotionally, spiritually, and cognitively. My level of awareness and understanding has increased tremendously. Because of the work I’ve done and continue to do, I am left in this space with not much to hold on to.
I cannot look at situations from the past as a comfort for what is to come, all of the things I did and believed before, I no longer do or believe, (or am actively working through those habitual behaviors and beliefs.) All I can do is take solace in the fact that I always end up better than before. I am always okay. I never backtrack, I always choose up, even when it’s not obvious at the time.
2017 has been like a restart of my life. It’s been like waking up for a second time, but this time it’s more real, and more authentic. I’m not clinging to what others deem, spiritual or best practice for conscious living. I’m not reading a bunch of books or looking for a guru.I am creating my life on my terms. Step by step, day by day. Leaning on my intuition and fearlessly following my feelings of what is best for me, according to me. I am my own guru.
This has not been easy. Not in this space of transition. Not while still having to “daily life” in the meantime. Not while battling the inner voice telling me I don’t know best and warning me not to make a mistake that will wreak havoc in my life. Not while still falling prey to the comparison game. Not while still fighting the urge to seek confirmation from sources I view as more credible than I.
Despite it’s perceived difficulty, it has truly been the most rewarding journey I have ever embarked on. It’s testing my resolve. It’s testing my faith. It’s testing my confidence. It’s making me unpack everything I thought to be true. It’s giving a microphone to those negative inner voices that have been with me since childhood but do not belong to me so that I can clearly distinguish them from my own. It’s making me slow down while simultaneously having to make quick decisions. It’s shaking me to my core, ridding me of all things that cannot leave this period of transition and enter into my new cycle.
There have been so many long-held beliefs and ideas that have been stripped, some I let go on my own, some have been removed forcefully. So many times I’ve cried for what seems like no reason, only to later find out it was a clearing of space. So many times I’ve looked around and mistaken this beautiful place of pure potential for stagnation. I learn so much every day. Every. Day. It’s exhausting and exhilarating.
This transition is transformative.
When this time comes to end, and my new cycle begins, I’ll look back on this time with great reverence. For myself, for the people in my life, for the lessons, the tests, the triumphs, and everything in between. I’ll be grateful that this time has taught me that life is what you perceive. Life is how you respond to those perceptions.
To those in a time of transition, I advise you to be present, feel it all, don’t run away from the unknown, run into it, eyes and heart wide open. Will it be terrifying? No doubt. Will it be worth it? You better believe it.