Start. It seems simple right? Not for me, the recovering perfectionist control freak that has been battling an internal fear or success for a few years now. Yes, a fear of success.
Until very recently, it was hard to see myself having success, without a looming fear of failure, or being seen as an imposter. I have struggled for years with “waiting for the other shoe to drop” and what I’ve found, is that my anticipation of that shoe dropping, caused it to fall many times. In retrospect though, they may not have fallen. I aided in pulling those shoes down. Self sabotage.
Self sabotage kept me from starting, and committing. Putting too much pressure on myself to be and do everything other than Just Being, kept me from starting. Not fully trusting myself, kept me from starting. Wanting all the perfect conditions, kept me from starting. Fear of making mistakes, kept me from starting. Wanting to control the outcome, kept me from starting. Wanting to be on step 50 without taking steps 2-49, kept me from starting. Ultimately, I kept me from starting.
The ending of 2016, this past Mercury Retrograde cycle, and a beautiful reiki session facilitated by my best friend (fertilealchemy.com) showed me that the time is now to release the habit of self sabotage. It is time to relinquish the fear of my light beaming and shifting the energy in every space I occupy. No more time for playing small. It is time for me to step into my role not only as a healer, but as a teacher and an energetic leader.
I have to do it. I have to do it courageously. I have to do it when my inner critic is louder than everyone else, telling me I can’t do anything right. I have to do it even when its uncomfortable. I have to start even when I don’t see the path clearly. So, I’m doing it. This is my start.
2017 is a 1 year in numerology, it heralds the beginning of a fresh 9 year cycle. Around my birthday in December, I set some intentions for this year and dubbed it my Year of Creativity, meaning I create my life to be exactly what I want and need it to be. I am also opening up space for more creative expression outlets, like blogging. For my starting focus, I am rebuilding and reinforcing my self confidence, ensuring that it is real and deep and impenetrable by anyone or anything that is outside of me. I am loving myself deeper by honoring my truth unapologetically, telling my story without shame, and allowing myself to flow and choose without being attached to outcome. I have been on my self-healing journey faithfully since 2013. The focus of my work being loving myself into healing, parenting myself, and nurturing myself. Its work that I will always do, no matter how dark it gets. I do not run from my shadow, I embrace her, we are one. In doing this work, I have shifted and released major karmic baggage. I’ve cancelled and revoked many karmic contracts that I agreed to consciously and unconsciously. This journey is a grass roots endeavor. I’ve been healing me one step at a time from the ground up. Figuring out what works and what doesn’t work. What I like and what I don’t like. Loving myself, having confidence in myself, and being able to be by myself were not automatic. These things took time, and patience, and meeting the same blocks at different levels from different perspectives. I never gave up. I never give up. Resilience is my saving grace.
Going through this alchemical energetic process has equipped me with first hand experiences and knowledge that I feel will be beneficial for many as Gaia continues to ascend, because as she raises her vibration, we must raise our own. I take many of my cues from nature and believe in the saying “as above, so below” and currently (from about 1/8-2/6) all planets are stationed direct, moving forward. Like the planets, I too am moving forward. This space isn’t for me to tell you what to do. Its to tell you what I do, and to inspire you to take action in your own life. Whatever that looks like to you.
I’m from the school of “each one teach one” I plan to use this space to share what I’ve learned thus far, and what I continue to learn. I am ever evolving, changing and shifting as I see fit. I am not fixed, I am fluid, I am water. (literally more than half of my chart is water). I’ll never tell you the work is easy. Getting to the bottom of, and shifting your unconscious beliefs, just isn’t. It can be done though. I’m doing it.