Healing Through Heartbreak

 

Heartbreak. A tangible hurt that you can literally feel in your heart. Or at least that’s the case for me.

Here’s a beam of light, this pain has the potential to serve as the catalyst for life changing, healing, evolution. I’m talking “New Dimension, who dis?” evolution.

Let me pause here and say that this does not have to be the route for everyone. If this does not resonate with you, you may stop here. I encourage you to read everything (literally everything) with an open and discerning heart. If it feels true for you, explore it. If it doesn’t, do not. You are the expert on your life, I am merely sharing what I have learned through the subject I am the expert on, my life.

Heartbreak can manifest in a number of ways. It doesn’t have to be romantic. Your heart can be broken way before you even start dating.

A little about me, I am a recovered(ing) people pleaser. This can be attributed to being a sensitive (Cancer Moon) and intuitive (Pisces Rising) child growing up in a home with a mother that refused to show emotion and affection. I’m talking, I can count the number of times I’ve seen her cry and gotten a hug from her, on the same hand. I am 27 years old. I learned quickly how to do whatever it took to receive some sort of affection or positive attention from my mother. My father broke my heart, and a million promises, very early on. I coped by expecting nothing and giving everything. I did this because although I didn’t expect love, I still held out hope for it. I also never wanted anyone else to experience the rejection I had. Consequently, these experiences led me to do the same with everyone in my life including family, friends, and boyfriends.

Whether it were a legit, “we go together”, (like you asked me to be your girlfriend), situation or a “hey I like you a lot and I like that you kinda do girlfriend things with and for me, but I don’t want a girlfriend, but keep feeding me emotionally and I’ll keep being just nice enough to keep you confused but erring on the this can work side”, (because I know you’ll stay around and work for it), situationship. I was ready to, and I often did become whatever he wanted me to be. Gift and curse of the Pisces rising, I can shape-shift into whatever YOU think I am, regardless of who I really am.

*Thank God for astrology and the mastery of this ability that is now used to my advantage as I consciously shape-shift into the best version of me*

I would morph, and become the girl of their dreams, but only long enough to be sucked dry, and cast aside. I wasn’t being real. Since I wasn’t being real, all my shit broke.

What was real though? My love, my devotion, my empathy, my compassion, most bomb pussy. That was, and still is, real. I gave it because I wanted it in return. That didn’t happen though. Giving it to them wasn’t enough to get it returned. It was never going to be enough because I didn’t really believe I was enough. Growing up feeling perpetually rejected, how could I? I was a good pretender though. My sun is in Sagittarius, I am a hopeful optimist. I lived by the code fake it til you make it. Outside looking in you would have never known I struggled with low self-worth. I know better now. Don’t ever fake it, be authentic and you WILL make it.

When you experience heartbreak, you can tend to shut down and close yourself off, or leap at the chance to give love, in hopes that it will be returned.  I did both. By the time I was in undergrad, I had compartmentalized the heartbreak from my parents in a such a way that I had completely disconnected from them. There was no way to learn from this heartbreak, I ignored it too hard. So how did I learn? Men.

*It may look different for you. You may cling to friends, or seek to help others the way you wish people would help you. You know what your thing is.*

Men were my kryptonite . Much of the love, compassion, time, and care that I was giving to the men I dated, I had neglected to give myself.

No one told me that in order to attract the love I desire I must first embody the qualities that I seek. No one told me that in order to truly love someone else, I must first love myself. No one told me that you don’t go into a relationship seeking to become whole, you go in as a whole and so does your partner. No one told me that suppressing my feelings of inferiority, low self-worth, fear of rejection, etc. in an effort to fake being okay, would cause me to attract emotionally unavailable energy vampires, not only in romantic relationships but platonic as well.

When you are in the state of giving more than you are receiving or giving more than you are equipped to give, the universe will do whatever it takes to get you to realize that there is an imbalance that is causing your energy to be in a deficit. Whether you realize it yet or not, there is a great calling on your life, you honestly would not have incarnated at this time in history if there wasn’t. In order to realize and fulfill this Divine Calling, you must be full. Your energy cannot be in a deficit.

This is why all of the conscious community calls you to “let go” “self-care” “self-love” “vibrate higher” etc. These are all surefire ways to replenish your energy.

When I say energy I do not mean physical energy, although, that too tends to increase by osmosis. I mean your soul energy, the energy that still exists when the lease is up on that body you rented. When you give all of yourself to others and do not take the time to replenish (give back to you) your energy becomes scattered and fragmented.

Conversely, when you begin to pour into yourself via meditation, therapy, energy healing, self-care, self-reflection, self-love, etc. you begin to fill that deficit. Once you are full then and only then can you give from a  pure space, without depleting yourself. You can give with no ulterior motive of getting something because you lack nothing.

Not only do you lack nothing, but YOU gave yourself all that you need, so the only way that can be destroyed is if you destroy it yourself. No more heartbreak at the hands of others!

I liken this to the three little pigs. When you pretend everything is okay, and dismiss or ignore the pain you have been holding, you are building your home (yourself) out of straw and twigs. This home (you) is easily destroyed by the big bad wolf (outside influences). When you get sick and tired of perpetuating the cycle of heartbreak and begin to pour into yourself you take on the role of the third little pig that took his time building a brick home. A home the big bad wolf could never destroy.

It is through the process of healing and building you brick by brick that you begin to remember your purpose. In this process, you begin to hear the Divine Calling on your life. It is in this process that you gain the courage to answer that calling.

Once you begin to operate in the flow of your Divine Calling, life becomes easier. There are still rough patches, don’t get me wrong, but your heart will remain intact. With your heart intact you can do anything. You can make it through anything. You can overcome anything. You can start to attract all of the things. Things that are in direct alignment with your highest good and the highest good of all involved.

So, if you, like me, have experienced a series of heartbreak in your life, do not fret.  Stop running. Stop hiding. Stop pretending. Get real, and get still. Tune-in to you. Meditate. Sing. Cry. Dance. Get out in nature. Spend plenty of time alone. Do whatever it takes. Work relentlessly to build an indestructible you.  You deserve you. You deserve as much of you as you give everyone else. You owe it to yourself to do the work that will allow you to begin to align with and attract people that will take care of your heart.

Don’t let heartbreak harden you, let it motivate you to do the work to heal. The work is not quick. The work is not easy. The work does not look the same for everyone. The work, however, does work. It does change you from the inside out. The work puts your fragmented pieces back together. The work fills you up. The work helps you realize you are whole. The work brings you back to you. It’s time to heal.

You are Love & You are Loved,

Peace & Light,

Liv

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Let Go!

“Let Go!”  THE buzzmantra in the Conscious Community. While this IS, in fact, the way to real transformation, I think it’s being promoted in a toxic way. I see a lot of people insisting that we all “let go” but not a lot of people sharing the nitty gritty of letting go.  They make it seem as if it’s as simple as saying “I release ___” and then you’ll be free of that thing, ready to skip off into the sunset.

I can only speak for myself, but when I began my conscious journey and decided to “let go”, it did not happen overnight. I did not wake up and say “I release all that is no longer serving me” and Poof! I was some sovereign liberated being no longer running on the wheel of karma. That is the exact opposite of what I experienced in the beginning, and at times still experience to this day.

What I’ve discovered is that letting go happens in stages. You are literally trying to release years, decades, hell even lifetimes of emotional trauma, conditioning, religious dogma, societal ideals, etc. Not to mention other people’s stuff that one can take on unconsciously. When you begin to work through and unravel these things you can only meet them as far as you’ve met yourself.

For me, when I began letting go, I did not know myself as deeply as I do now, so when I began to work through a block like low self-worth, for example, I could only do what I could handle at the time. So, I would meditate and get to what I understood to be the root cause of the issue, and work my way back forward, gently, reminding myself that I am worthy, immersing myself in self-care, and taking the time to cut energetic cords from what I discovered was no longer serving me. I will tell you the truth, even after all of that, I was not free of the block of low self-worth, I had, however, removed layers of it. Removing layers freed up space. In this space, I was shown other aspects of how low self-worth was still impacting my life.

In the beginning of my journey, I would beat myself up and ask the universe why this was something that I was still dealing with? Hadn’t commanding the release of low self-worth been enough?  Why wasn’t I able to just “let go” like so many in the conscious community instructed? Was I not doing enough? I felt this way because most of the people I viewed as leaders or experts in the conscious community made the process of letting go seem so easy.

As I’ve now come to know, yes it was enough, at that time. Being on a higher frequency, I had to meet that block again, work it from this new angle and chip a little more off of it. It is a cycle. It is a cycle that I am still in. I’ve been chipping at this block for almost 4  years, and the block is significantly smaller, but it would be completely unfair and damaging for me to expect to release a block that was implanted in childhood (or another lifetime, hello?!) and reinforced for 20+ years to be completely gone in 4 years, let alone in one meditation session focusing on releasing blocks.

This cycle is the work. Anytime I say that I am “doing the work” this is what I  mean. It is work. It is a constant unraveling of nearly everything you have known, in order to get to the core you, your pure divine essence.

I do the work, I always do the work, I will never stop doing the work. It is in the process of doing the work that you find yourself. Do not rush the letting go process because it is in this process that you learn the most. Do not rush your healing, no matter what it seems like other people are doing, attracting, manifesting, etc. No matter how many people try to make this journey look easy or like rainbows and sunshine 24/7. Stay the course, take your time, befriend your shadow, welcome the darkness as well as the light, be gentle and know that all things happen in Divine timing.

**Writing this made me realize something about the conscious community that is rarely talked about, spiritual elitism. It happens when one has been on the path for a while and have come to know a significant amount about doing the work, meditation, initiation, alchemy, etc. It happens when you start to ignore the human in you and you begin to speak as if you are “more enlightened” or whatever. It happens when you’ve done so much work you forget how it was when you first “woke up”. It’s how people become cult leaders that are fueled by ego. I see it every day, and in a future blog post, I will be discussing it. I consider myself a member of the conscious community and as such, I feel it important to speak on the topic, as a community, we have to check one another and check ourselves, ya know, before we wreck ourselves.

Thanks for reading.

You are Love and you are Loved,

Peace & Light

Liv

Flow

 

Welcome, February.

I went into this year with the intention of releasing my seemingly unyielding need for perfectionism and control. I was keenly aware of how I was blocking my own evolution by trying to control every aspect of every situation consciously, and unconsciously.

Let’s backtrack for a second. In the last few months of 2016 I read a couple of life changing articles (here and here) about perfectionism and control and how they go hand in hand, I realized it was time to make a conscious effort to release the need for perfection, therefore allowing me to ease up on trying to control everything. In my mercury retrograde/end of the year reflection, I realized that part of what spurs my need for control and perfection is me being too future focused. It is SO EASY to think about what I want out of life and begin to obsess about it, which makes me try to control the things that are happening in my life now, to ensure that I will create my ideal future. In about the first 7 minutes of this video, I’d gotten the message I needed to ease the urge to live so far into the future. Keep in mind there is nothing wrong with future planning. That isn’t what I was doing, though, I was future obsessing. When you begin to worry, your body responds as if you are in the very situation that you are worried about, it can’t tell the difference between your thoughts and what is happening in real time. My adrenals were all messed up, I existed in fight or flight mode.

Fast forward to today.  I can honestly say, I lived most of January in “Flow” meaning I would realize a need or a desire, ask the Universe to help me manifest or attract whatever was necessary to fulfill that need or desire, and then I moved out of the energy of the question and into the energy of the answer. Meaning, I asked, I claimed it as being done if it would be for my highest good and the highest good of all involved, thanked the universe and waited for it to appear while tending to other things. Before January, I would do the same, but I wouldn’t move out of the energy of the question. I would worry if I asked the question clear enough, I would re-ask, I would obsess, not realizing I was trying to control what I was calling in because I was scared that it wouldn’t be perfect, or that I was going to call in something I actually didn’t want. In January, I practiced dropping that tendency to obsess and control. It’s a work in progress, but it is working. I have concrete proof that it is working:

A) Funds for my move to Houston in May. I wrote in my journal that I wanted a certain amount of money while still being able to afford my day to day. I have my money.

B) More opportunities to speak to people and teach. I asked to be put in situations that would make me more comfortable with being visible. I have two speaking engagements coming up, both academic, but still in alignment with what I believe.

Nothing motivates me more than seeing proof that the work I am constantly engaged in is making a difference. It’s evidenced in the bold moves I’ve been making, the opportunities I’m attracting, and the beautiful relationships that I have cultivated.

So, for February, my mantra is Flow. I started in January, I’m kicking it up a notch this month. When you are truly in the flow you are magnetic. There’s less static keeping the things the Universe has for you waiting in the ethers, unable to manifest in the physical. When you are in the Flow you are holding space for yourself. A beautiful electrifying space of pure potential. In this space, the universe was created. In this space, you can call in all the things that will be of the highest good to you and all involved. This space can be frightening, it is a space of pure trust. You ask, believe, and you will receive. I’m excited about this month. I’m excited to flow. I pray that you join me. Even if it’s just a little flow every now and then, practice makes perfect. I mean, that’s what I’m doing, practicing my flow until it is my only state of being.

Thank you for being here. You are Love and you are Loved.

Peace & Light

Liv