It’s been 8 months now that I have been single.
To many this may not seem like a long time, to me it has been a lifetime.
It has been the first time that I’ve TRULY been alone since 2007. From my first love in high school, to various hookups, to far too many crushes to count, to a long term relationship, to a few situationships, to my last more than friendship, my heart and time had been tied up in one way or another for at least seven years.
I had always considered myself a lover of Love. Heartbreak never stopped me from giving Love one more try. No matter how much it hurt.
I’d always been told by the ones closest to me, to take a REAL break from guys. To focus on me and to find me so that I could stop the cycle of heartbreak. Because baby let me tell you, for a while I experienced let down after let down, heartache after heartache, yet I ALWAYS had to find someone. Even if just a texting buddy.
Quite frankly, I didn’t want to take time for myself. I didn’t want to be alone. I didn’t want to face the fact that I didn’t know who I was. I didn’t want to face the fact that I had self-esteem issues. I didn’t want to be lonely. I didn’t want to acknowledge the obvious fact that I was the common denominator in the decline of every friend boy relationship I had. That and the fact that every guy was emotionally stunted.
That seven year streak ended 8 months ago.
As I said earlier, these 8 months have felt like a lifetime.
I have been Reborn. Transformed. Made New. Made Free.
My time alone has been the best time of my life. I never knew how amazing I was. Getting to know me and getting to Love me has been the ultimate experience.
I will tell you this.
It. Has. Not. Been. Easy.
It first came with the realization
“You are what you attract.”
Damn. I’m attracting these emotionally stunted men because I’m emotionally stunted? This really is my fault? #QTNA
I got the answers.
The answers came after many sleepless nights, tear stained pillows, weight gain, weight loss, fear, doubt and so much pain.
But Love got me through. Love was the answer. Love is ALWAYS the answer.
Fortunately my last man friend taught me Unconditional Love. I met this man, and I Loved this man simply because he exists. It was an inexplicable feeling.
One he never understood.
One I wouldn’t understand until the relationship came to an end.
I will be forever grateful for the ending of that relationship and the beginning of my New Life.
Initially it came as a slap in the face. I had JUST moved across country, I was in unfamiliar territory alone, and now that he’d called it quits I was really truly alone.
I felt like I had yet again managed ruin something beautiful. Something that had the potential to be Forever.
Ego got me. Ego made me me question my worth, ego made me want to hate myself, ego made me feel lost. Ego had me ready to give up.
These feelings were short lived because LOVE.
Love told me to stop, look, and listen. Love told me to learn me. It was a process that had begun about a year prior, but had become halted as I began to pour myself into yet another person that wasn’t me.
Love told me to be SELFish.
“LOVE. YOU. FIRST. The residual is for others and believe me it will be more than enough.” Said Love.
Love made me get back to me.
Love made me comfortable with alone.
Love made me grateful for alone.
8 months later I Love myself the way I always tried to Love a man. 8 months later I am more Free than I have ever been. 8 months later I’m comfortable in my own skin. 8 months later I’m kinder. 8 months later I’m gentler. 8 months later I’m wiser. 8 months later I’m living my Dream. 8 months later I know my worth. 8 months later I’m a better version of me. 8 months later I cherish aloneness. 8 months later I’m Fearless. 8 months later I’m Limitless. 8 months later I’m more feminine. 8 months later I am Love. 8 months later I am Light. 8 months later I realize how powerful I am.
8 months later I’m ready to Love.
I will never give up on Love.
Love is all I need.
I’m ready to Love in a way that will free him, heal him, awaken him, inspire him, open him up, transform him. I’m ready to Love him because he exists. I’m ready to share and grow and learn with him. I’m ready to make a family with him. To explore with him. To explore him. To be his best friend. To Love him for who he is at his core, when all else is gone, when nothing but his Soul, his True Self is left.
I can give this Love to him, because I’ve given, continue to give, and will always give the same Love to myself FIRST.
I don’t know who “he” is or when I’ll meet “him.” and that’s okay, because until we connect I’ll be Learning, Growing, Loving, and Living Single.
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