Somewhere between graduating in May, not moving to Houston. getting a job in June, starting residency for my license (LPC) in September, getting a promotion in October, and turning 28 in December, my voice left me.
I never talked about not moving and how guilty and ashamed I felt. I never said out loud that I was in residency which could potentially have me in VA until 2019. I didn’t admit to myself how stressed out I was at work. I never admitted that I was using cannabis to numb instead of to elevate. (I am a FIRM believer that cannabis works as you intend it to). I had all that on my back, caught in my throat, disrupting my cycle, and I kept quiet and pushed forward. I shut down.
I didn’t realize then that I was shutting down, and subsequently closing my throat chakra, building a wall around my heart chakra, and blocking my sacral chakra. In fact, I just realized it today, while in meditation and writing in my journal:
“I have to and will get back to journaling. I stepped away for whatever reason but that shut down my heart and my creative center. I write. That’s what I do. I stopped writing. I stopped sharing. I stopped speaking. It’s time I open back up. Even if its just to myself. My words are my creativity. It’s time to create.” -Journal Entry 1.13.18
After I wrote that, I closed my journal and got in the shower. Showers are my go to after major downloads. My chart is a little over 50% water, and for me, water is a powerful cleanser and conduit for contact with Spirit.
In the shower, I realized that despite losing my voice, I did things that set me up for this moment. I have allowed myself to be inspired for this moment. Past me prepared Present me for this moment. The moment I would begin to get my voice back.
I purchased a Squarespace website for an official website launch set to happen this year. I, along with my best friend designed a new logo for Liv Unconventional. I watched in awe of that same best friend, Bri (@fertilealchemy fertilealchemy.com) as she worked tirelessly to launch her Aromatic Oil, a planner, and more. I have been and still, am inspired by her to create from my heart. I’ve used her Fertile Alchemy Aromatic Oil in daily womb massages and meditations, to reconnect to my creative seat of power (womb) and balance my hormones. Seeing her is motivation. Her constant support is comforting. I have been inspired by my sister-mom Tasha (@afroindiasiansapien houseofvuu.com) as I watch her live her best life over 9,000 miles away, in a country where there is literally no veil, no break from the downloads. She is Light. I am in awe of her. I see her and I know that I can reach the highest height. I’ve been inspired by Layla Saad (@wildmysticwoman wildmysticwoman.com), and her fearlessness as a word witch. I’ve watched my sweet friend Dorian (@the_femmefocus thefemmefocus.com) be consistent with her work, her blog, and YouTube channel and I am inspired by her tenacity. I found a website that has the Rider-Waite correlations for the Osho Zen Tarot deck because I am deeply connected to my Osho deck but have also been called by the traditional Rider-Waite deck. In finding that website I have reconnected to my personal tarot practice. I got a powerful and enlightening natal chart reading from an astrologer the universe led me to on YouTube (GeminiBrown firstname.lastname@example.org). Last, but definitely not least, I took a leap. I contacted my Reiki practitioner Shannon, (@radical_reiki radicalreiki.com) and had a Reiki 1 attunement. I have no words for the connection that Shannon and I share other than “Of the Divine.”
Reiki is helping me rediscover my voice. I’ve not yet completed the post-attunement detox, and already my life has significantly changed. I have been cycling through blocks that were hidden, I am letting go of old pain and hurt that I did not know still existed, I am connecting with my Reiki guides. My Reiki energy is growing more powerful daily. I hear from my spirit guides more clearly. I am getting daily insight on what my ancestors want to birth through me. I have created more space in my life than I currently know what to do with. It has been through those that inspire me and remind me that I have a purpose and my daily Reiki self-care practice that has led me to this point. Back to me. To my creativity. To my power. To God.
I mentioned on my Instagram (@livunconventional) in October, that I felt as if my ancestors were calling me into initiation. I was not wrong. This process is deep, and this beginning stage has been very very personal. I will not come out fully until it is time, but when I do, know that the world will be shaken. I have a great work to do on this planet, and I will do it. I will be on, for being me. I will be on, for being authentic. I will be on, in divine timing, and not a moment sooner.
To my past self, that did all of those things for me to arrive at this moment, I thank you. You knew I’d be here and you made sure I was ready. To those that are here with me, those that refer their friends in need to my blog, those that check on me when I go silent. I thank you. I appreciate you. I love you. You too have helped me rediscover my voice.