Temple

I have been at war with you for many years. I surrender.

Last month I got the overwhelming nudge to “Let Go.” I sat with the message for a second, curious about what I was being asked to release? Then, almost without conscious control, I began to apologize to my body and ask her to forgive me for hating her for so long. I asked her to forgive me for not understanding that she is a temple, and the soul that she houses is radiant, electric, unique, and incredible. For treating her as less than Holy. As I repented for my sins against her she whispered “finally” and in that moment I changed. I cycled out of one of the most persistent and consistent sources of worry, shame, and contempt I’ve held to this date: My relationship with my body. When I finished asking for forgiveness, I was able to thank her for never failing me.  No broken bones, no debilitating illnesses, no serious health issues, ever. She’s been here sturdy, resilient, and relentless since forever, despite more than a decade of disconnection.

I used the Ho’oponopono mantra: I love you. I’m sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you.

& I apologized.

to my breasts for always wishing they were a bit smaller and a lot firmer.

to my arms for being embarrassed by their softness and the extra jiggle

to my back for being worried about how many rolls were noticeable.

to my stomach especially my stomach because I hated that she was never flat. I held resentment against her for me never being comfortable enough to wear a bikini or a crop top. I loathed her because she’d been fluffy and rolly since 4th grade.

to my butt for beginning to hide her in the 7th grade when that boy yelled “Damn she got a fat ass!” every time he saw me in the hallway. And for that one time in college when I listened to that stupid boy that said tear drop shaped booties aren’t cute.

to my thighs because I’ve wished for a gap between them since I was in third grade.

to my knees because I was always embarrassed and a bit disgusted by the extra pockets of fat right next to them

to my calves for cursing them every fall and winter when I tried to squeeze them into a proper riding boot.

To my feet for always hating how wide they are and how fat and short my toes are.

to her entirely for unhealthily gaining weight, losing weight and restricting myself. For that time in elementary school when I tried bulimia for a month. For the time in junior high and high school when I snuck my mom’s diet pills. For taking personally every opinion someone else had about my body and for  wrapping my self-worth in her appearance. For still finding faults with her after committed and healthy diet and exercise that helped me surpass my goal weight. For being concerned that I was losing too much weight and wouldn’t be “thick” enough to be attractive. For comparing and contrasting her, always finding the comparison more appealing and suitable. For everything. Every wrong, every negative word, every negative thought.

I apologized.

Now I live my life in partnership with my body. I value her greatly, she is the Temple in which my soul resides. A reflection of my Divinity. I honor her. I have great respect for her.

There are times when I struggle, because old habits die hard, but I am consciously aware of the message I send my body, myself,  and those around me and I make an effort to correct any negative self-talk or thought that arises in relation to my body.  I no longer participate in body bashing with friends nor do I make light of the work that I’ve done to get to this point physically and emotionally.

I made the conscious choice to heal this relationship because I wanted to be able to model a positive healthy and deeply connected relationship with my body for my daughters, so they see the reverence I have for my temple, evidenced by how I feed her, move her, feel into her, speak to and about her, and who I allow to come into physical contact with her. For my sons, so they too will see the reverence I have for my temple and understand that they should seek to have the same for all women. For my husband so that I am sensual and receptive and so the physical love that we share is so deep and connected to All That Is that it creates universes. More than that, I made the conscious choice to heal this relationship for me. I was ready to appreciate the temple that houses my divinity. To love and adore the place that will be the first home to the beings that choose to incarnate through me. To give myself the gift of knowing me so intensely that no one can ever tell me shit about myself that I don’t already know or feel. To understand that I am my own home. So I never have to seek this feeling in anyone or anything else, to only accept this feeling or better should anyone or anything else come along.

It’s a beautiful feeling to finally be back home. I am safe here. I am secure here. Here I am provided for. Here I have 24/7 access to God because I am God. Connected. Sensual. Electric. Orgasmic. Sovereign. Powerful. Abundant. Receptive. Feminine. Divine. Grateful.

My home is a Temple. Wow.

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